Watching a horror movie on DVD.

Dear Ghosts,

It is time to revise the rules to ensure the intellectual, psychological, and spiritual progress of both the spirit world and humankind.

1) Why haunt the innocent and the clueless when it is feasible and sufficient to haunt the guilty? That way every ghost story doesn't have to be a detective story, with protagonists hunting down clues and having to piece things together.

2) Do not appear to humans looking like a low-budget, prosthetic, makeover. It distracts everyone from the real messages you should be conveying.

3) Go straight to the point. Appear and speak, in whatever language or method. Do not slam a door on Night 1, make your whispers heard on Night 2, rock the bed on Night 3, and so on. Life and death are not the same as multi-step applications for financing.

4) Avoid rattling doors, thunder and lightning, appearing in one corner and re-appearing in another, shadows, sudden blackouts, and other Halloween effects. They are corny.

5) If there is a criminal or culprit involved in your particular case, go directly to him. Do not allow him to dance round the frightened protagonists simply to provide physical tension to the plot. Everyone knows that you will kill him in the end anyway. Why beat around the bush?

6) Once your story is over, say goodbye for good. Do not continue to appear as a reflection, stare from behind a curtain, cross a lighted window, or shoot your hand through gravel. That is very rude. The least you can do is say "Thank you."